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Breaking
Free
Knowing when the time is right to leave the
Safety Net
Earle Donelson, Ph.D.
Samaritan
Counseling Centers
Frequently, I work with individuals who say they are stuck. They may be adults
in marriages or relationships that are unfulfilling. They may be older
teens or twenty-year-olds living at home. Some have jobs
they do not like; others attend churches where they feel uncomfortable.
Typically, they express feelings of dissatisfaction or boredom. They may
express embarrassment, or fear, anger or resentment, yet they are often
reluctant to make a change. Even when it becomes evident to themselves
or to others that the time is right to break free, they often hesitate.
When asked why they don’t leave their job or home, marriage or relationship,
they often express apprehension about what leaving, or changing, the situation
might mean. Some feel that they cannot change things, that they have dug
themselves in too deep. They may not be happy with their situation, but
they are reluctant to leave the “safety net.”
The
danger of safety nets is that when inverted they tend to
trap us. We turn them upside down when we rely to heavily
on the emotional, financial, physical, social, or spiritual
security we think they provide. Failing physical or mental
health (personality or self-esteem issues, feelings of
inadequacy, or lack of empowerment), troubled finances,
a lack of friends or an insufficient support network can
also add to the tangle and hinder us from breaking free.
Oftentimes
when I talk to individuals who are not satisfied with a
marriage or relationship, but are reluctant to leave, they
remark that, while they are not happy or satisfied emotionally,
they worry about the consequences of leaving and being “out
there.” Others are emotionally dependent upon their
partner and feel they cannot survive without them, or
they feel obligated to stay in the relationship for their
spouse’s or children’s sake. Still others are
either so financially or materially dependent on their
partner that it is not immediately possible to leave.
Fear of a change in their social status or the condemnation
of others ties some people to bad relationships. The same
reasons play out when someone is reluctant to leave a job,
or church, or circle of friends. Typically, apprehension
over what the future may hold keeps people from making
a change. After all, change can be very scary, uncertain
and life-altering.
In
discussing such situations, people oftentimes ask a counselor
or therapist what they should do, where they should look
for permission or approval to make a change. Barring life-threatening,
abusive or potentially exploitative situations, the counselor
oftentimes will not answer this question directly. Instead
they will encourage the individual to begin looking for
answers within. Looking inside ourselves and within our
relationship with God is the key to finding answers or
directions. Through introspection and self-exploration,
and in prayer and discernment of God’s will, an individual
is likely to uncover a way to loosen cords that are binding
too tight. Self-reflection can help us assess the pros
and cons of a situation more rationally, see alternatives
through a clearer lens. Hope and empowerment can grow from
the process. It is within ourselves that we will typically
find our answers. Out of faith and confidence that God
will guide us and will be with us come the courage and
reason to ultimately make a decision whether or not to
break free of the safety net.
Copyright ©2004 Earle Donelson
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